In my thirty-four turns around the sun I’ve come to learn that I don’t know much at all.

This outlook is a great departure from the one I held many moons ago. There was I time when I knew the answer, never mind what the question was. I was so sure of everything: what my life would be and who I would be, despite that fact that I was not fully aware of all the parts of this life that made up who I was. Everything I felt with such certainty, deep in my bones.

Funny how rampant hesitation runs through your body as you grow older. Suddenly, there’s a whole life to deal with and you don’t know what to do. Which job to take, who to be with, how to live? What really are your values? Faced with decisions that are solely up to you, what choices do you make and why?

I’ll be the first to stand up when they call on those of us who have made mistakes. I’ve acted irresponsibly, I’ve hurt people I care about, and I’ve behaved out of pure selfishness. It took me a while truly to understand the power one can wield over the people in one’s life. I’ve taken advantage of the place of affection I hold in loved one’s hearts. The outer world consequences may not have been anything even noticeable, but my inner world has suffered. I’ve lived below my own standards and have felt the bitter sting of disappointment. However, I don’t spend my days counting faults. I’d never get anything else done.

I have held on to errors, regrets, and bad choices through many wintry weeks. I’ve discovered the burden you carry is the one you’ve taken on yourself. If you carry all those loads forever you’ll miss the chance to run – or, at least to amble along comfortably. I’ve dropped some luggage and moved on more freely. At other times I’ve thrown my luggage at the head of some bystander and run very quickly in the other direction.

I’ve discovered my breadth as a human being. Strengths I’d only previously suspected now stood confirmed. I have finally found patience in the face of humanity reflecting back at me. Humanity is looking like she needs a nap. I found courage to say I was wrong and try to fix it. Then, I did some algebra to figure out how many times I’ve used that humbling phrase and quickly abandoned the math when my calculator went to exponentials.

I suppose at the end of all life’s poetry, what I’ve learned is that it’s better to try and be a little less of a jerk than you were yesterday. If all you leave in your wake is misery and anger you may want to consider if you’ll have anything left except misery and anger. That, and someone’s special sauce in your next fast food burger. We can all only try to be good people. It’s the effort you put behind it. Greater effort may be needed by some more than others (we know who we are). Not that I’m asking for extra credit. I’m not.

So what’s the difference between eighteen and thirty-four? I hope you’ve come to the estimate of sixteen. That’s what I get but I’m not sure. My calculator went a little wonky.

Keri lives in Boyle Street. Her increasing maturity and wisdom astound us.