Two years ago, when my longtime companion passed away suddenly, my world lost its clarity. I wandered around in a haze and my world became a dark and unsafe place. My heart pounded in my chest as though I were faced with very real and imminent danger. My steps became unsure and my head would spin as though I was about to lose my balance. It took the comfort of friends and a decisive plan to bring some normalcy to my life.

First, I decided that I would make an effort to honour his legacy in my life by living more spiritually. I was always pretty conscious of spiritual matters, but I could be blown off course too easily. I redoubled my effort to live in a way that was congruent with my beliefs. Certainly, I didn’t always succeed but I made a real effort. I also reminded myself about all that I could be grateful for, much more than I could have ever imagined. I made a conscious practice of “gratitude.” I took up yoga, more as a form of exercise than anything else. I enjoyed moving muscles that I would not usually be aware of. I learned to be more patient at the end of the session when we just lay still. At first, I found myself impatiently waiting to be released from the resting pose, but I learned to use the imposed stillness to centre myself. Even just a few minutes of mindful meditation is better than none at all.

Then one day I woke up and said, “Today’s the day I’m getting a dog.” I knew right way when I met Knight that he was my dog. His bio was bad: destroys cushions and shoes, raids garbage, steals food, and eats toys. I’m still waiting to see any of that (well, maybe except when he steals cat food). This young, energetic dog forced me to walk everyday. River Valley off leash parks are the best – we are so lucky to have such easy access in this neighbourhood. Every day we walk a few kilometres. Moderate exercise. Fresh air (sometimes a little too fresh) filling my lungs. The muscles of my legs getting stronger. Being exposed to direct sunshine for a couple hours a day. Fresh air and sunshine, for me, is the easiest cure for dark thoughts.

I also let the doctor prescribe something to unclutter my mind. And, I used conscious control of my thoughts to steer my mind in the right direction. When a disturbing thought crept into my consciousness, I learned to put the breaks on and steer my brain to a more constructive line of thought. When I felt extreme emotions, I used the energy to program my mind towards a more positive life. I know the next step is to let myself dream of what my ideal life would be, and to use the energy from strong emotions to make promises to myself about having that ultimate life. I’ve used that technique successfully before – I just need to get to a place where I can dare to have a dream again.

Conscious living is where you learn that things that don’t work anymore in your life need to be replaced with new habits that work towards building a better life. Now, only if I could do more of that.

Manon is a resident of Boyle Street and an active volunteer in the community. This column contains her own opinions, and is not affiliated with the Boyle Street Community League.