The ringer on my home phone has been turned off for years. Seriously. There is no one available to take your call. If you want to speak to me, please leave a message and if I want to talk to you I’ll pick the phone up or call you back. If I don’t want to speak to you . . . well, you guessed it. And, I don’t have a cell phone.

I have a computer but no internet access. I’m not kidding. Online gambling just seems like such a waste of time along with the games and shopping. I can waste my own time by picking my nose if I so choose. Or maybe cloud gazing. The information highway hasn’t really provided me with much more than another avenue for advertisers to sell me their products which I don’t really need. No-credit loans have no appeal for me even if I act now before this offer expires.

I have no cable or satellite access. The last I checked there still wasn’t anything good on TV, and now there’s more of nothing good. I also don’t have to sit through commercials. If I want someone to yell at me, I’ll talk to my dad. Advertisers still can’t get me to buy their stuff.

Some may classify me and my lifestyle as technologically de-evolved. I don’t mind. That sounds about right. I simply feel no need to be constantly connected, plugged in, or online and inevitably available to the Facebook crowd so they can inform me of every thought that crosses their minds, no filter applied, about that drunken Saturday night. Pictures included.

Please do not walk on my grass. I like how it grows uncut and wild. It’s green with the sunlight and rain. It’s happy with its air and yard. It doesn’t need to go shopping to find something to match what it’s wearing.

My home is my sanctuary. I guard it viciously and diligently. You do not have proper authorization to be in this area. Improper influences may contaminate the life presently occurring within this space. Improper influences will be eliminated. To obtain authorization you must proceed to the fourth floor and speak with the persons behind the bullet-proof glass (I have no fourth floor). Until you obtain proper authorization you must evacuate the area immediately. Failure to immediately evacuate the area can result in a kick to the pants.

Keri’s sanctuary is in Boyle Street.